November 15,
2013
I’ve
dodged the bullet twice
I can’t stress enough the importance of staying abreast of all your
doctor appointments. Many of us say that we are too busy to make it to the
doctor. We are feeling fine so why go. Men are especially guilty of this. We
must go because some diseases are not detectable until it is too late. We go to
the doctor to help prevent the unthinkable.
December 2009 was a frightening time for me. I had been having a number
of health issues. It was the first day of Christmas vacation. I was looking so
forward to the holiday season and two weeks of pure rest and relaxation. I
welcomed that vacation. I woke that morning and went to the restroom. The
commode was full of blood. The water looked like tomato juice. At that moment,
I was terrified! I had already gone through menopause and couldn’t think of any
other logical reason to have a toilet full of blood. This could not be good.
I’m not talking about a little blood; I’m talking about a substantial amount of
blood enough to be extremely alarmed! I was trying to think of all the
possibilities I could conceive. Is it coming from my bladder? My kidneys? Is it related to my diabetes? Jesus, is it
CANCER? A visual of my emotional state would have been The Scream by the artist
Edvard Munch. I told myself, “Try to stay calm, but you must get to the
emergency room.”
My cousin was upstairs. I called her
and off to the hospital we went. At the hospital, I was advised to see my
primary care doctor, as well as, an urologist. Of course, I visited the primary
care doctor first, and he insisted on me getting to the urologist.
My first visit to the urologist was not pleasant. I was already fretful just
from the mere fact that there was unexplained blood present in my urine. I was
trying to be positive and keep the “C” word out of my mind because this could
be something else, an infection of some kind, but it was all around me. My
cousin and my best friend were both having bouts with cancer. Two of the
closest people in my life were dealing with cancer symptoms, diagnosis, and
treatment. It wasn’t easy. They’re just like sisters. When they hurt; I would hurt. If I could do
anything, I would take this affliction away from both of them. Even today, I
pray for them every day that they continue to be strong and fight. I’m proud of
both of them.
I had to give a urine specimen. Then I was taken to the examining room
only to wait. While I was waiting, the nurse rushed into the examining room. She was retrieving some long instruments. It
may have been a ureter scope; I don’t know. She didn’t come in once, but twice. The second
time she took something else off the table stating that they needed it in
another examining room. Well, my mind is going in circles about now. Are they organized?
Are they qualified? Plain and simple…do
these jokers know what they are doing? The doctor, an older, more experienced
healthcare provided entered, introduced himself, and stated, “There’s still
blood in your urine, and I’m going to have to look in your bladder.”
I said, “No, doctor. That can’t
happen right now because I’m too worked up just sitting here watching your
staff and waiting on you.”
“Am I going to have to put you out and do this?”
“I’m afraid so.”
The outpatient surgery was scheduled in January. This was a blessing for
me. When the doctor viewed my bladder he removed a mass and sent it for a
biopsy. There’s that “B” word! That dreadful “B” word – biopsy! Jesus! It is almost always followed by the big “C”
word, “cancer”. I had to wear a catheter for a week. Now, you wait! Is it
benign or malignant? I told you before; I am a Google sister! Now, I am trying
to get all the information possible because I have questions. All the fears started
creeping into your mind again. Could I have cancer? What kind of treatments would
I have to take? What will happen if I don’t get treatment? Will I need
chemo-therapy? I am scheduled to retire
in May? What would that do to my retirement? Will I have to go out on
disability? Will I be able to cope with a serious illness? Let alone afford it.
What about my sons and family? I can’t be a burden to anyone. Lord, Jesus, I am
definitely not ready to check out of here!
This took place during January 2011. My cousin and I moved into another
house. Two day after our move my cousin was going into the hospital for
reconstructive surgery. I had gone back to work with my catheter. I was so
uncomfortable wearing it to work, but we do what we have to. A bad snow storm
was on its way to St. Louis. I knew schools were going to be closed. I was
scheduled to have the catheter removed the day after the storm was going to
hit. I didn’t want to have to drive in the bad weather. So, I left work early
to go to the doctor’s office to ask him to remove the catheter a day early. It
was a gray, dull, and dreary day. I was cold and ready to be in my warm and
comfortable bed. The anticipation of the biopsy results was consuming my every
existence. I needed to know.
The doctor entered the examining room in the same jovial manner as he had
done the first time I met him. He greeted me and said it was a good idea to
come have the catheter removed before the snowstorm. He asked me if I had ever
smoked. I said not since 1993. Then it felt as if he laid a ton of bricks on
me. He said the biopsy was malignant, and that it was bladder cancer. This was
a paralyzing moment for me. All those fears I had were starting to manifest.
Please, Lord, not now! I believe the doctor saw the expression on my face
because my eyes started tearing and my mouth fell open. I couldn’t breathe. I
couldn’t move. All I could think of was, “Lord, how strong do you think I am.”
I believe the doctor recognized my panic stricken face. The nurse passed
me a Kleenex and the doctor said,” I got all of it all, though.” I couldn’t
respond back. He stated that he removed the mass in question during the
outpatient surgery. I inquired about treatment, and he didn’t think chemo would
be necessary. He told me I will have to have my bladder looked at every three months
for a year. He explained the procedure and told me it would be done in the
office, not outpatient surgery. That was
even more unreal. No chemo or medicine of any kind. I left the doctor’s office
that day feeling like the sun was beaming down on JUST me. When I got to the
car I did scream. “Thank you, Jesus”, and cried all the way home.
The snowstorm did fall. Schools in St. Louis and St. Louis County were
closed. I didn’t dare tell my cousin what had transpired when I talked to her
on the phone. No need to upset her, she was already in the hospital dealing
with her serious health issues. She will find out when she gets home. I was
blessed because I kept my grandson through the snow storm, and he kept my mind
occupied. I didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself. I stopped the “why me cry”
some years back. “Why not me?” My life is no different and no better than
anyone else’s life. We all have difficult times.
My grandson and I were snowed in
for a few days. We unpacked boxes and played the Play Station and the Wii. I
looked at my grandson and realized it is not death that I’m afraid of. It’s
leaving those I love here on Earth. I want to see my grandchildren grow up,
experience all the happy occasions in their lives, and even help them through
the difficult times that I know they will encounter. We all experience them in
our lifetimes. I want to enjoy my retirement years, enjoy extended family, and
spend time with love one and friends. I realized that it was perfectly ok to
put myself first. You are the only person that has any control or say so about
your health. Those things that I thought were so important before dropped on my
list of priorities. I would definitely be rearranging my goals and priorities.
Most of all, I thanked God because I could not deal with another health
issue at that time. I apologized to God for not trusting Him more. I prayed for
a deeper relationship with God. I always remembered the first part of the Bible
verse, 1 Corinthians 10:13. I didn’t remember nor take to heart the last part
of the verse. God will show you a way
out. None of us are immune from diseases or life’s hardship, but
through faith we can whither the storm. God will show you how to cope with
whatever comes your way. January 2010 had an emotional impact on my life, and I
thanked Him for allowing me to dodge that bullet!
"But
remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from
what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from
becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he
will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.”
To Be Continued on the Next Blog Entry
