November 15, 2013

I’ve dodged the bullet twice

I can’t stress enough the importance of staying abreast of all your doctor appointments. Many of us say that we are too busy to make it to the doctor. We are feeling fine so why go. Men are especially guilty of this. We must go because some diseases are not detectable until it is too late. We go to the doctor to help prevent the unthinkable.

December 2009 was a frightening time for me. I had been having a number of health issues. It was the first day of Christmas vacation. I was looking so forward to the holiday season and two weeks of pure rest and relaxation. I welcomed that vacation. I woke that morning and went to the restroom. The commode was full of blood. The water looked like tomato juice. At that moment, I was terrified! I had already gone through menopause and couldn’t think of any other logical reason to have a toilet full of blood. This could not be good. I’m not talking about a little blood; I’m talking about a substantial amount of blood enough to be extremely alarmed! I was trying to think of all the possibilities I could conceive. Is it coming from my bladder? My kidneys?  Is it related to my diabetes? Jesus, is it CANCER? A visual of my emotional state would have been The Scream by the artist Edvard Munch. I told myself, “Try to stay calm, but you must get to the emergency room.”

My cousin was upstairs.  I called her and off to the hospital we went. At the hospital, I was advised to see my primary care doctor, as well as, an urologist. Of course, I visited the primary care doctor first, and he insisted on me getting to the urologist.

My first visit to the urologist was not pleasant. I was already fretful just from the mere fact that there was unexplained blood present in my urine. I was trying to be positive and keep the “C” word out of my mind because this could be something else, an infection of some kind, but it was all around me. My cousin and my best friend were both having bouts with cancer. Two of the closest people in my life were dealing with cancer symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment. It wasn’t easy. They’re just like sisters.  When they hurt; I would hurt. If I could do anything, I would take this affliction away from both of them. Even today, I pray for them every day that they continue to be strong and fight. I’m proud of both of them.

I had to give a urine specimen. Then I was taken to the examining room only to wait. While I was waiting, the nurse rushed into the examining room.  She was retrieving some long instruments. It may have been a ureter scope; I don’t know.  She didn’t come in once, but twice. The second time she took something else off the table stating that they needed it in another examining room. Well, my mind is going in circles about now. Are they organized? Are they qualified?   Plain and simple…do these jokers know what they are doing? The doctor, an older, more experienced healthcare provided entered, introduced himself, and stated, “There’s still blood in your urine, and I’m going to have to look in your bladder.”

 I said, “No, doctor. That can’t happen right now because I’m too worked up just sitting here watching your staff and waiting on you.”

“Am I going to have to put you out and do this?”

“I’m afraid so.” 

The outpatient surgery was scheduled in January. This was a blessing for me. When the doctor viewed my bladder he removed a mass and sent it for a biopsy. There’s that “B” word! That dreadful “B” word – biopsy! Jesus!  It is almost always followed by the big “C” word, “cancer”. I had to wear a catheter for a week. Now, you wait! Is it benign or malignant? I told you before; I am a Google sister! Now, I am trying to get all the information possible because I have questions. All the fears started creeping into your mind again. Could I have cancer? What kind of treatments would I have to take? What will happen if I don’t get treatment? Will I need chemo-therapy?  I am scheduled to retire in May? What would that do to my retirement? Will I have to go out on disability? Will I be able to cope with a serious illness? Let alone afford it. What about my sons and family? I can’t be a burden to anyone. Lord, Jesus, I am definitely not ready to check out of here!

This took place during January 2011. My cousin and I moved into another house. Two day after our move my cousin was going into the hospital for reconstructive surgery. I had gone back to work with my catheter. I was so uncomfortable wearing it to work, but we do what we have to. A bad snow storm was on its way to St. Louis. I knew schools were going to be closed. I was scheduled to have the catheter removed the day after the storm was going to hit. I didn’t want to have to drive in the bad weather. So, I left work early to go to the doctor’s office to ask him to remove the catheter a day early. It was a gray, dull, and dreary day. I was cold and ready to be in my warm and comfortable bed. The anticipation of the biopsy results was consuming my every existence. I needed to know.

The doctor entered the examining room in the same jovial manner as he had done the first time I met him. He greeted me and said it was a good idea to come have the catheter removed before the snowstorm. He asked me if I had ever smoked. I said not since 1993. Then it felt as if he laid a ton of bricks on me. He said the biopsy was malignant, and that it was bladder cancer. This was a paralyzing moment for me. All those fears I had were starting to manifest. Please, Lord, not now! I believe the doctor saw the expression on my face because my eyes started tearing and my mouth fell open. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. All I could think of was, “Lord, how strong do you think I am.”

I believe the doctor recognized my panic stricken face. The nurse passed me a Kleenex and the doctor said,” I got all of it all, though.” I couldn’t respond back. He stated that he removed the mass in question during the outpatient surgery. I inquired about treatment, and he didn’t think chemo would be necessary. He told me I will have to have my bladder looked at every three months for a year. He explained the procedure and told me it would be done in the office, not outpatient surgery.  That was even more unreal. No chemo or medicine of any kind. I left the doctor’s office that day feeling like the sun was beaming down on JUST me. When I got to the car I did scream. “Thank you, Jesus”, and cried all the way home.

The snowstorm did fall. Schools in St. Louis and St. Louis County were closed. I didn’t dare tell my cousin what had transpired when I talked to her on the phone. No need to upset her, she was already in the hospital dealing with her serious health issues. She will find out when she gets home. I was blessed because I kept my grandson through the snow storm, and he kept my mind occupied. I didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself. I stopped the “why me cry” some years back. “Why not me?” My life is no different and no better than anyone else’s life. We all have difficult times.

My grandson and I were snowed in for a few days. We unpacked boxes and played the Play Station and the Wii. I looked at my grandson and realized it is not death that I’m afraid of. It’s leaving those I love here on Earth. I want to see my grandchildren grow up, experience all the happy occasions in their lives, and even help them through the difficult times that I know they will encounter. We all experience them in our lifetimes. I want to enjoy my retirement years, enjoy extended family, and spend time with love one and friends. I realized that it was perfectly ok to put myself first. You are the only person that has any control or say so about your health. Those things that I thought were so important before dropped on my list of priorities. I would definitely be rearranging my goals and priorities.

Most of all, I thanked God because I could not deal with another health issue at that time. I apologized to God for not trusting Him more. I prayed for a deeper relationship with God. I always remembered the first part of the Bible verse, 1 Corinthians 10:13. I didn’t remember nor take to heart the last part of the verse. God will show you a way out. None of us are immune from diseases or life’s hardship, but through faith we can whither the storm. God will show you how to cope with whatever comes your way. January 2010 had an emotional impact on my life, and I thanked Him for allowing me to dodge that bullet!

1 Corinthians 10:13 NLT  New Living Translation

"But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it.”

To Be Continued on the Next Blog Entry